An unwritten love letter

Most times you write a letter to the one you love. But this time, I’m going to write one to explain why I cared for someone the way I did. Feelings, in an ideal world, don’t need explanation.

Why do I bother? The truth is I did the person wrong by allowing people to think that he was the only one to blame for my heartache; that he was a cad, a liar and a waste of time. I still care about him. I still call him friend. He still matters to me and so this post is a way for me to set the record straight and try to make amends.

When we met, we were both in the midst of separation. I’d given up on a man I’d loved for four years. He had his own issues to settle with the woman he was previously seeing.

We bonded, of all things, over music. He talked about how much music mattered to him, how he’d taken a chance and just explored what possibilities it offered him. Music was, for me, my escape, my solace and one thing that kept me sane through a rough childhood.

At a club, we heard a band playing the song from the movie, Music and Lyrics. He couldn’t believe I hadn’t seen it. I couldn’t believe he hadn’t seen the film Once. “Now THAT movie is supposed to be the musical of our generation.” He smiled. And shrugged. I decided right there and then that I’d show him the video clip of Once’s theme song, Falling Slowly.

There was no intricate plan of seduction. No preconceived notions. Sure, there was subtle flirting going on but I’d just gotten out of a relationship. I thought that this new guy was cool and could be someone awesome to hang out with. We were like two kids together, talking about random things but mostly about music, or geeking out.

But that all changed after I’d finished showing him the clip. It was just supposed to be us hanging out and me sharing just how awesome Glen Hansard is. Which he is.

Still, two lonely people with a lot of shared interests cooped up together…stuff happens.

But then, as we got to know each other, things that weren’t apparent from the start became clearer.

He had a lot of past relationship baggage. He wasn’t looking for commitment or maybe if he was, it wasn’t with me. It was just a simple case of “He’s just not that into you.” You can’t force affection. So really, I couldn’t blame him even if I wanted to.

At the start, he was keen and I was reticent. As time moved on, he grew distant while instead I grew fonder of him. Beyond his eccentricities, he can be affectionate, kind, careful and one of the sweetest persons alive. Intelligent, rather talented and dogged once he’s got his heart set on something. Though there were times I was hurt by his actions, I know beyond a doubt that he bore me no malice and he wished me no pain.

He was there through one of the hardest times of my life.

He gave me encouragement when life turned the tables on my complacency.

He was my friend. Even if my other friends didn’t see that, I’m letting them see it now.

Maybe he was just what I needed then.

And my heartache over him ending the ‘dalliance’ wasn’t so much about him as it was about me.

I took it personally.

I felt rejected, unworthy, utterly incapable of sustaining a relationship. I felt that there had to be something wrong with me. That I wasn’t good enough. That I couldn’t measure up.

A breakup isn’t the end of the world.

I took it hard because I love to love. I love my friends like I do my family, my family more than all I possess and once I decide to love someone, I am a fool. I set no limits. And that means there are no limits how far I’ll fall when it ends.

I’m tired, really. I had one relationship last five years. The last one lasted four. More than a decade of having my heart put through the dryer. Because I give nothing less than everything. After all, I have nothing to give but myself. I have no assets, no net worth. Nothing but a heart broken so many times it still hurts.

So I give up and accept the fact that the dream is ended. If singlehood is my present and my future, then let it be so. Maybe God has other plans and if they don’t include my having a significant other, then I shall just say Not My Will But Thine.

I still have my friends but sometimes, I cannot endure their pity. I can barely endure the assumptions strangers make. Enough, please. I have never prayed for wealth. Nor for fame. Never for professional success. Not even for good results at school.

I have always been happiest being with the one I wanted to be with. Stupid, foolhardy romantic that I am. Simple pleasures. Holding a hand. Hearing a laugh. Stroking a cheek. Sharing a joke. Resting in the quiet. Feeling that right here, right now that I have all I want right then.

You are here. All is well.

And tomorrow, you will still be here.

Men come, men leave. Maybe God is just teaching me that sad lesson. That though humans are fickle and inconsistent, He will never leave me. I will always remain in His love.

So please, dear God, let that be enough.

I don’t know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can’t react
And games that never amount
To more than they’re meant
Will play themselves out
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We’ve still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You’ll make it now
Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can’t go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I’m painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It’s time that you won
Take this sinking boat and point it home
We’ve still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You’ve made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I’ll sing along

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