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MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
– Thomas Merton, "Thoughts in Solitude"
Dear God, why am I deaf to what you tell me? Why do I hear only what I want to hear? Why do I make decisions based on my wanton desires, my injurious ego, my misplaced pride? In short, I’ve been selfish, self-absorbed and really, not much more than a glorified pissant.
I asked the wrong questions; I heard the wrong answers. So many times, my paralysis from indecision could have been solved if I’d thought to myself: “What would You have me do?”
So I’m writing this here for all to read in the hopes that maybe I’ll remember more times than not to put you first.
I recall that scene in Return of the King where Faramir asks his father, “What would you have me do?” But I know that if I ask that of You, you would not throw away my life with no care, or little thought for it unlike Faramir’s patriach. The paths you could send me on might perhaps be dangerous, hard or lonely but I would rather walk them than spend an eternity without You. So take off my earmuffs, remove my blinders, and take my hand. Because I’m still here, still waiting for you as You have waited for me.