I’m not there

Though I may occasionally reconnect with old friends, make up with those loved ones I’m estranged with, I would never go back and be with a former love.

In a relationship, I hold nothing back – truth, love, devotion. There is nothing to withhold because the one I choose will have everything and nothing less than all I am. Some say it’s a stupid way to love, but I don’t believe in half-heartedness. Though I give, I don’t expect the same back. Because not everyone loves the way I do, and that’s  just fine with me.

So when one relationship ends, I move on. I learn to pick up the pieces of my life and rebuild it to fill up the empty space left behind. But then I met an old acquaintance; we knew each other barely 6 months but he’s been carrying a torch for me for 8 years. He’s married now with 2 kids and I’m still on a pedestal in his mind.

It disturbs me.

Besides the fact I don’t reciprocate, that I’ve not spared much of a thought to  the short time we spent together, his fixation scares me. It’s an unhealthy obsession, a disturbing sort of devotion.

How can you love someone fully when part of you still fixates on another? How do you give your time and attention to the people who need you now, when you expend energy on ghosts of your past?

Ghosts can’t love you back.

Ghosts don’t need you.

So when they come back, I say, “You loved the person you used to know. You want everything we used to have. But that was in the past, and I want to leave it there. If we must start something, we’ll have to begin again and that, I know, is not what you want.”

I want today, with all its imperfections.
I want to love now, with no reservations.
I will greet tomorrow, when it comes with the break of day.
I will not miss yesterday, because I already gave it everything I had.

So stop going back to the past – I’m not there.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.