The hole in my heart where You should be


Image by sadaiche via Flickr


I confess that I tend to be leery when people talk about ‘making God the centre of their lives” and putting God/Jesus/Allah/Barney the Purple Dinosaur first. Especially when they tend to have eyes as glazed and fevered as someone on E.

But like it or not, God is central to my life, to who I am, to what makes me happy, and what ultimately fulfils me.

My inner commitmentphobe has had struggles with giving myself over wholly – despite my repeated affirmations that I believe, without reservation, with nary a doubt, that there is a God. Like most people, I tend to forget about Him when things are going good or are essentially uneventful.

But then my world tilted upside down. There was a crisis in the family, my long-term relationship hit the jagged rocks of limbo and I fell ill from heartsickness and stress. My throat is still recuperating from nights of crying myself hoarse.

In the darkness, there still was light. Friends, family, the community of believers engage with – they were reflections of God’s love and proof that He would not leave me isolated in my despair. I found my faith renewed, my hope restored and my soul comforted.

This month I’m taking a break in preparation for the challenges that 2009 will bring – a new career path, doors opening that I’d never expected and long-held desires fulfilled.

It’s not all perfect. Men in my life are wonderful, as friends, but once they step over that line, things go to hell in a handbasket very quickly.

Romantic entanglements are limiting in that sense – there is no control. You are entirely beholden to the other person holding up the other end. It’s a constant balancing act and if the other just lets go, you’re like a kite cut from the spindle, erratically weaving until you eventually crash.

Maybe God’s trying to tell me something. Maybe He’s just reminding me that His love is constant, is perfect, is infallible. That I will always be good enough for Him. That He will not reject me, though I am imperfect. That though I turn and hide from Him, His love is always there.

Perhaps I expect what I get from God from men – and that’s not possible. With God, I am wanted, happy, safe and sure. Men leave me uncertain, feeling unworthy and right now I’m just crushed about feeling ‘not good enough’. I want a commitment – they want to play the field. I’ll take comfort and refuge that I will always be good enough for my Father in heaven and my father on earth.

So I will take God as my axis. I will let my world revolve around Him. I will bend my knees and trust. I will give Him my heart, because I know He will not break it. Because God, I’m so tired of loving someone so much it hurts. I know that at least with You, when it hurts, You’ll find some way to make it better.

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