I remember blogging once about my many ‘sides’. And till today I still feel somewhat splintered. Not multifaceted but torn and twisted into too many directions.
When it comes to God, when it comes to serving Him, I was asked to write down at least five things I could do.
And one of the five things I wrote was: I don’t know.
Yes, being ‘good’ or feeling like I’m doing something for Him is somewhat fulfilling, but see, I use the word somewhat. Am I not giving enough? Am I holding back? I walk towards what I think is the right direction, end up stumbling and then pausing on the road, wondering if I’m doing something wrong because the road just doesn’t seem to get any easier.
When I turn the other direction and just give in to my hedonistic side, let go and just follow the path of satiating all my desires, it isn’t all that great, either. I feel the pull towards something higher and I try to obey.
I want to please You. But I don’t know how. I can’t just go through the motions, can’t gambol with the other sheep though I try. I really, really do try. The other sheep are really nice and welcoming but when I see them meekly coming into the paddock, I linger behind the gate, pop my head in and then run out again.
Sometimes, I cock my head at the shepherd, eyeing him silently. Just so he knows I’m there. Still in the flock, still tending to gambol off far to the edge of the field, disappearing behind a hillock sometimes. But I come back. I always come back.
Despite having You in my life, I still feel empty. There are pockets of darkness the light can’t quite reach. Is it because I can’t or I won’t let you in? But I know no matter how empty I feel right now, before You, all I had was a black hole that nothing could fill.
I can live with the pockets, so long as You remind me that You’re still there. You waited at the door for me to let You in, and now I just have to muster the courage to let you see everything.
And last week, when I felt abandoned by someone I trusted, who made me feel small and undesirable, someone else came along who helped me feel ‘whole’. That though one person saw me as flawed and unattractive, the other saw what the other couldn’t. The funny thing was that the latter person had once hurt me, badly, but he tenderly fixed not just my anguish but wiped his own slate clean. I’m grateful to him.
I guess that’s how You see me. Flawed, yes, but redeemable. Imperfect but Yours. And oh, how You love what’s yours. I’m just as grateful today for your grace but even more for Your love.