Sometimes, it’s healthy to take a look back.
Nothing wrong with taking stock of what you missed out the first time; so long as you don’t attempt to live in your recollections.
Memory is a funny thing – it’ll kick in just when you least want it, failing you when you grapple for it desperately under pressure.
I realise that maybe I’m missing something. That I’m not moving forward and getting on with the rest of my life the way I should.
I’m rather sick of this, really.
The angsty blogposts.
Playing the same old songs over and over again.
Trying too hard not to think about things also has the effect of keeping them more firmly in your mind.
I should be busy living a full life, instead of being stuck on my hangups.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m lugging around a sack of my favourite misgivings, heartaches and grudges. That I’m nursing them the way someone would a glass of firewater.
Is angst so addictive, that I draw on it as often as a smoker does his cancer sticks?
"I’m 27 years old. I’ve no money and no prospects. I’m already a burden to my parents, and I’m frightened."
Those lines from the Pride and Prejudice movie just break my heart.
Yes, a lot of us single women moan about not having set up house by now. Of having to sift through piles of dating rejects, fending off married men, and dealing with nosy busybodies.
But if we can feed ourselves, take care of our own wellbeing and of our families with our own effort, and by the grace of God, we have it so good already.
I don’t have much but I won’t go hungry. And I can do my bit so my family doesn’t, either. Women before our time didn’t have that luxury. A woman without a man had no social standing, found it hard to find a livelihood and was pitied or reviled.
And yes, I’ve scared off men who find me intimidating or whose egos find my accomplishments off-putting. But my mother taught me early on – don’t depend on a man to be your sole provider. Always, always know how to take care of yourself.
It’s wonderful to be loved. And lovely to be with someone who loves you the way you need to be loved.
But settling for a liar, a sneak, a wife-beater…anything less than a man with the capacity for good or kindness, just so you won’t be alone, is never worth it. In this day, in this age, we women should feel blessed that we have the luxury of choosing.