I usually dread Novembers. I remember spending most of November 2005 mourning my grandmother. It was a month of tears – crying for my grandmother, my problematic relationship, the shock of having my house burgled.

Then November 2006 was when I found out my bestest guy friend was about to make a really big mistake. One that would reverberate all through the year to come.

November 2007 brought drama, tears and running right back into the arms of God. Yeah, after all the hard work God’s put into trying to save my soul, I’d been adrift for years before I just sought His anchor again.

And this November was no different. I was sick (as I always am in November, I don’t know why), grappling with the Cough That Would Not Go Away, dealt with angst-ridden boyfriend who is now Man I Love But Am Not With Because He Needs To Sort His Fucking Life Out before he can really be with me. Then a horrific family emergency that had me flying home, simultaneously mending rifts with family and bestest guy friend.

I met someone. He makes me laugh. I’m hoping this one will always be a friend no matter what happens. Sometimes you need a little joy in your life and if it comes in the guise of a Really Bad Idea, well, hey. For a Bad Idea, he’s one heck of a good friend. Just for that, I’m more grateful than I’ll ever be able to say.

Am thankful that my family and friends have shown me how much love there is in my life. That I never have to go far for a hug. That the Big Guy up there makes a point to remind me that the rain does stop, the clouds do pass and when I least expect it, there’ll always be someone around the corner with an umbrella.

I love everybody.

(picture from S60.com)

So I’m coming clean here and disclosing that I’ve been a Symbian S60 ambassador for the past month or so. A post of mine made ‘Post of the Week’ for the Symbian Files campaign so I might as well out myself early.

Symbian? Of all the things I want to champion, why this? I could go for Google’s flavour of the month Android, join the mindless iPhone hordes or attempt to resurrect Windows Mobile.

My favourite OS for the phone has always been Palm’s. I love Treos and spurn RIM’s service locked-in CrackBerries. But after reviewing countless phone models and thinking about what I want and need in a phone, I want Symbian to succeed.

Windows Mobile phones, IMHO, are pieces of expensive hardware struggling to run a bloated OS with poor boot times and expensive third-party apps. I loved how there were so many free Palm apps while for WM, you pay for everything. Call me cheap then, but I want my high quality freebies!

With Symbian eventually releasing the code (under restrictions, of course, not quite GPL here), it’ll make it easy for manufacturers and hobbyists alike to start making apps for the platform.

Am also heartened that mobile phone heavyweight Nokia is willing to invest the resources it has for Symbian and the Symbian Foundation. I like what I’ve seen of the upcoming new version on the Nokia Music Xpress 5800 and with a bit more polish, I foresee a great future for handsets running the new version of the OS.

Was supposed to play tour guide, but, well, plans turn awry. Admired the lovely new nightspots, shiny new malls, picturesque waterfront.

Singapore food still sucks. Can’t stand cigarette smoke? Move to Singapore where you can’t even smoke inside a pub.

And I feel like hell. Kthksbai.

Still with the boyfriend. His fault I’m ill though. Crying myself hoarse for two nights ended up with me losing my voice and amusing the downstairs eatery proprietor with my very loud whispers. Seems throat was very vulnerable after last week’s respiratory infection so I caught myself a mild case of the flu.

Cat is befuddled at my hacking and retching-like coughs. He probably wonders if I’m having a hairball issue.

Boyfriend was slightly amused at my losing my voice. “Singing too much?” Ha bloody ha. But rest assured he is suitably penitent and keeps asking if I am OK/have not bought weed killer/conspired with my cells to contract lymphoma.

Unlike most of the guys I’ve dated, I couldn’t possibly hurt him by calling him names or accusing him of mental/emotional/physical inadequacies. He hurts when I hurt and was more concerned that I was a trembling, emotional wreck than anything else I might have said and done during said process of emotional wreckedness. He is sweet, he does try, and our situation is trying but we’re doing our best.

So I’m staying in tomorrow because I’m tired, ill and the dust bunnies are plotting to suffocate me in the night. I’m sure of it.

In other news, I’m glad that I’m not a famous enough blogger to have people taking public potshots at me and join in hordes to speculate about my private life. The current activity in the blogosphere reminds me of a frenzy of sharks smelling blood, or flies around dung. What’s making me ill isn’t really the bloggers involved but the mean commenters who are having such fun viciously tearing people apart. Turns my blood cold.

So if you’re having a pity party because you’re not famous enough to get invited to parties, get advertorial requests or have people give you free stuff, don’t be envious. With all that come the hanger-ons, yes-men, backstabbers, parasites, gossipmongers and all sorts of shit that nobody really wants to deal with.

I think I’ll go count my blessings, drink my cough syrup and shut up now.

I believe that we still have cause to hope for a better country, that good can still find a place in this world, that we can make the world better.

I don’t believe that I will ever meet a man who won’t lie to me or cheat on me.

I don’t believe I’ll ever get married.

I don’t believe in true love, and if it does exist, maybe it just doesn’t exist for me.

I don’t believe that I’ll be miserable single. Better than being in a relationship that’s not working or where you hurt more than you’re happy.

I believe I’ll get over this in time, that I’ll stop crying eventually.

I believe that no matter how shitty life gets at times, and even when it’s never easy, that God still loves me.

I believe I’ll be OK.

I give up.

I’m tired.

Sick of it, weary of caring, just too damn strained.

I remember Karcy commenting that nothing seems to affect me as much as my relationships.

So it’s really no suprise that I crumpled into a sobbing wreck when the boyfriend said that after he’d made sure I was settled, taken care of, financially secure and safe from harm and persecution…we’d part ways.

And then he spent the next hour attempting to convince me he was just kidding.

Then after I’m somewhat composed, I call up a friend who I was supposed to see (until I got waylaid by stupid boyfriend’s joke) and friend is all concerned, even offers to bring chocolate.

Perfect. So I think some good might come out of this night…until it starts to rain and friend pleads for rain check because it’s a nice rainy night to sleep in, and I would have agreed if it wasn’t the fourth fucking time we rescheduled.

I just said, “OK, I’m not calling you anymore. Next time you want to hang out, it’s going to be you calling because I just can’t take being put aside anymore.”

I know it’s not supposed to be personal.
But how am I not supposed to take it personal when you say you’d rather sleep in than come over?

Don’t set me up to hope and then dash my tiny expectations to shreds.

I’m feeling whiny, emo and generally belligerent towards the Y-bearing members of humanity. Exceptions being my father, brothers, Wrimos. And one amoeba.

You Give Me Something was his first single off the album Undiscovered. There’s his distinct voice, the hooky melodies and how his songs don’t sound overproduced. And of course, what I adore most – emo titles such as Nothing Ever Hurt Like You.

So here’s You Give Me Something. Yep, James has definitely given me two albums to savour for the week.

I’m in on a new beta testing program. Am not the only one – seems rather exciting, the whole concept and hopefully I’ll have more to write about soon.

But right now I’m tipsy and I have a writein to organise for tomorrow’s NaNoWriMo meet. Am also a little sad because for the first time in four years of being Malaysia’s Municipal Liaison, I’ve encountered trolls.

There’s this one angry teenager hellbent on using the forum to attack a ‘famous’ blogger. Take your hate elsewhere, kiddo. The NaNoWriMo forums isn’t your place to insult others.

Then there’s this user who is trying too hard to correct me, second-guess me, question everything and basically backhandedly insult me at every turn. I’m doing my best, and the people who matter know that.

But I still can’t help feeling a little down that this user is just so keen on cutting me down, questioning what I do, and worse – defending the forum troll, calling it free speech.

If I was hosting the TGIO party and one Wrimo went to another and spit in her face, I would step in and break it up. And censure the spitter as well. It’s my job, after all. I wish they would all get that.

What’s the point, really, of being ML and donating my time and energy for the cause, just to put up with users like these?

Perhaps it’s because I believe in NaNo. And I owe it so much.