The good news is that I’ve finished the lyrics for a song that keeps running in my head.
The bad news is that in my struggles over the last year to find a better coping mechanism, I’m finding that believing in God falls short.
Sounds nihilistic, right?
The problem with believing in God is believing He listens. That He’ll make it all right. If you just wait and believe that all things will happen in His time and not yours.
I don’t know where He is but I am beginning to think He’s not listening.
Or that He’s using me and asking a wee bit too much.
I lost counts of all the nights I pray that He will take away any desire that is not for Him. So I can just be happy and content being His little candle and burning away. Take away my desire for the one thing I want but can’t have.
Or at least take away the ‘black dog’.
Winston Churchill could deal with it but I’m not Churchill. Or Lincoln.
I admire the people who want to live even just one more day. I don’t. I don’t want anything. I have no dreams, no aspirations.
My conclusion: life is unfair. The world is a cruel, terrible place. People can be undeserving, horrible pricks and even if they are, sometimes life is better to them than to you.
I can’t change that. Who can?
I ask God to make it better. To make it stop. Three decades and I still walk around feeling like a big black hole.
If I keep believing in You, I’ll be unhappy with You. So God, I’ll just give up on You. You’re not listening and I’m beginning to wonder if You ever did. So sod off.
I am tired of being bitter and waiting on You. I’m tired of being sick and tired.
Instead I will accept the world is a dark and awful place but as long as I’m alive, I will put up with it and do as much good as I can anyway. Make things a little bit better for the other inmates of this sodding jail we call the world and do it because it’s needed. And not for You.
I’m so tired of You.
See I’ve been wrestling with this problem
A pain that never ends
Wounds that never heal
Hurts that will not mend
I’ve asked You time and time again
For You to make it right
That maybe in this darkness
You’d care to shine some light
Maybe you’re just a fallacy I want so much to believe
Or You’re the real problem, not the answer that I need
I’m tired of this
I’m tired of You
I’m tired of wondering just what You’re gonna do
I’m tired of pretending
that it’ll all be OK
That someday I’ll learn to stop feeling this way
Dear God, I’m tired
Lord hear me, I’m tired
I’ve asked You to make me over
Take away my selfish needs
That You’d be my only lover
For You’d be all my deeds
Yet You won’t take away this desire
For the one thing I can’t find
I wait for You to change me
Take the longing off my mind
I pray each day You’ll call to come around to take me Home
Leave this pointless life and always being on my own
So now that I’ve decided I won’t believe in You no more
I’m tired of living with my heart and soul down on the floor
Why should I believe You’re listening?
It’ll only give me hope
When I should just accept that life will always be unfair
And that it will stop hurting once I learn just not to care…