The good news is that I’ve finished the lyrics for a song that keeps running in my head.

The bad news is that in my struggles over the last year to find a better coping mechanism, I’m finding that believing in God falls short.
Sounds nihilistic, right?

The problem with believing in God is believing He listens. That He’ll make it all right. If you just wait and believe that all things will happen in His time and not yours.
I don’t know where He is but I am beginning to think He’s not listening.
Or that He’s using me and asking a wee bit too much.

I lost counts of all the nights I pray that He will take away any desire that is not for Him. So I can just be happy and content being His little candle and burning away. Take away my desire for the one thing I want but can’t have.
Or at least take away the ‘black dog’.

Winston Churchill could deal with it but I’m not Churchill. Or Lincoln.
I admire the people who want to live even just one more day. I don’t. I don’t want anything. I have no dreams, no aspirations.
My conclusion: life is unfair. The world is a cruel, terrible place. People can be undeserving, horrible pricks and even if they are, sometimes life is better to them than to you.
I can’t change that. Who can?

I ask God to make it better. To make it stop. Three decades and I still walk around feeling like a big black hole.
If I keep believing in You, I’ll be unhappy with You. So God, I’ll just give up on You. You’re not listening and I’m beginning to wonder if You ever did. So sod off.

I am tired of being bitter and waiting on You. I’m tired of being sick and tired.
Instead I will accept the world is a dark and awful place but as long as I’m alive, I will put up with it and do as much good as I can anyway. Make things a little bit better for the other inmates of this sodding jail we call the world and do it because it’s needed. And not for You.
I’m so tired of You.

Dear God

Verse:

See I’ve been wrestling with this problem

A pain that never ends

Wounds that never heal

Hurts that will not mend

I’ve asked You time and time again

For You to make it right

That maybe in this darkness

You’d care to shine some light
 Maybe you’re just a fallacy I want so much to believe

Or You’re the real problem, not the answer that I need

Chorus:

I’m tired of this

I’m tired of You

I’m tired of wondering just what You’re gonna do

I’m tired of pretending
that it’ll all be OK

That someday I’ll learn to stop feeling this way

Dear God, I’m tired
Lord hear me, I’m tired

Verse:

I’ve asked You to make me over

Take away my selfish needs

That You’d be my only lover

For You’d be all my deeds

Yet You won’t take away this desire

For the one thing I can’t find

I wait for You to change me

Take the longing off my mind

I pray each day You’ll call to come around to take me Home
 Leave this pointless life and always being on my own

Repeat Chorus:

Bridge:

So now that I’ve decided I won’t believe in You no more

I’m tired of living with my heart and soul down on the floor

Why should I believe You’re listening?
It’ll only give me hope

When I should just accept that life will always be unfair
 And that it will stop hurting once I learn just not to care…
About You.