March 2009 Archives

March 2009 seems to be career change month. I’ll be starting a new job in April, while quite a few people I know are either quitting or planning to – as soon as they get a gig lined up, of course. One dude, G, is being pretty brave and sent in his resignation without securing another position.

Traditional advice is to get another job before leaving your current one. From my experience it really isn’t the best thing to do. When your job takes more from you than you can afford – endangering your physical or mental wellbeing or impeding your personal growth, move on.

The longer you stay in a bad situation, the harder it is to leave. One girl I know dithered about leaving her unfulfilling job because she didn’t want to take a paycut to change industries. Some sacrifices are justified. Maybe you’ll have a lower salary now, but if the new gig is a better fit, the tradeoffs will be worth it in the long run. Said girl still isn’t truly happy (she is the perennially dissatisfied sort)but at least she’s happier.

Some people assumed I left journalism for the money. I’ll be frank – at my current job I took a minor paycut though upon confirmation, my salary would be bumped up significantly by a cool half grand.

So why am I leaving then? Because I realised that though working from home is ideal for some, right now I need structure and people around me. There were days when I thought I would go mad from the lack of interaction in my daily routine. I prayed for guidance, for strength, for reassurance. So when a door opened unexpectedly and unlooked for, I took a chance.

It wasn’t about the money. It never is, for me. The job, the environment, the people, the projects I’ll be involved with all matter. When it came time for me to decide whether a move was the right thing, I prayed as I always did: “If this is what You want for me, open the door. Else shut it firm and keep me from harm.”

I believe that God doesn’t always give you what you want, but He will, if you trust Him enough, give you what you need. That you don’t provide for yourself – He does, by giving you the means, the strength, the help or the company. And in the darkest of times, He is not absent. He is right there, with you, hearing you and helping you understand that life may not be the scripted fairytale we want but hope is always there. Hope in His love, His guidance, His compassion.

So to my friends beginning new journeys, I wish you all the best. May you find comfort and guidance whichever path you take, however terrifying it might be. As my friend S says, “Jump first, fear later!”

Tha Crossroads – Bone, Thugs-n-Harmony

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xpmr8Shy_UA&hl=en&fs=1]

So it’s 1.30am and on a whim I decided to update my LinkedIn profile. It’s weird that though I got the hang of the new Facebook interface (quit whining about it already, people), LinkedIn befuddles me.

The thing about LinkedIn is that you only really ‘get it’ once you’ve filled in your profile and tweaked with things such as your public profile. I like the ability to include apps on your profile such as blog feeds. Right, now I can distract myself by reading blogfeeds within LinkedIn too!

I’m surprised so many people I know are not only on LinkedIn, but have fairly recently updated profiles. Is it a sign of job insecurities? People just preparing or looking out for the next gig, just in case this one falls through?

Why then am I updating my LinkedIn? It’s just one more thing I need to do to manage my ‘online identity’. When you’re on the Web as much as I am, managing the way people perceive me online matters. I have a website, yes. And a Twitter account. Plurk too. Facebook – do you really need to ask? A MySpace somewhere and all this adds up to quite a lot of stuff you can find when you Google my name. No, I don’t Google my name. That’s what Google Alerts are for.

Since I’m now making a career of public relations, it would be patently unwise to be unmindful of my own online fingerprints. At The Agency, I’ve had a client read my blog entries to see what sort of inappropriate content I should desist from writing from then on. It’s a reminder that yes, the Internet is a place where employers will do research on you. So those drunken MySpace pictures? Take them down. Embarrassingly bad high school poetry? Well, that’s what a lot of new pop songs sound like so that won’t matter much. Unless you’re applying to teach poetry at a college or university. Then, hide the evidence of your own amateur ramblings.

LinkedIn, I think, is trying to be the grown up, business minded person’s Facebook. No Zombie apps here, thanks very much. Instead you can share more enlightening things like slide presentations and your professional/corporate blog. I have to admit, though, that I’m only on LinkedIn because, like Facebook, I just caved to end the constant stream of invites.

I just wonder if LinkedIn has proved a valuable tool in career search  or headhunting. Have not heard any “Oh, I got an interview offer from LinkedIn stories!” What would be nice is if LinkedIn and Facebook hooked up. So you’d have a public profile for employers and a private, personal section for friends and family. Should something like that emerge, there had better not be any Zombie/Werewolves/Leprechaun crap. 

Guess who’s back playing WOW?

I just needed my gaming fix and an MMO proved the best way.

WOW is far more casual friendly these days, and I can come in, do a few dailies or quests and not necessarily need to spend more than 1-2 hours a day. I know if I started on Fallout 3, GTA or anything else, I’d likely be glued to the PC for hours without moving. Like in my early WOW days, heh.

I have an Alliance Druid to level – she’s 32 right now but to experience the brand spanking new Northrend content of Wrath of the Lich King, I have my level 70 Blood Elf paladin. She’s in the picture and look, there’s an orca!

After having tried plenty of other MMOs, I have to say WOW is still the game to beat. A lot has changed since I visited Azeroth. New areas, new abilities, a whole new way of playing your class.

I still have Warcraft 3 sitting in my drawer begging for a replay. Dawn of War II and Empire: Total War beckon to me. And people keep telling me about the awesome sauce that is supposed to be Left 4 Dead.

No, I don’t have the time. WOW will be my one, my only gaming fix for now.

Until Starcraft II and Diablo III come out. Oh, and Sims 3 this year.

And for the record, I did play Spore. Played, tinkered, screamed at constant crashes, got bored. Will also schedule some quality Team Fortress II time with Calvin once he’s not being eaten up by work.

Why game at all when there are so many other things I want to do/be doing? I’ve been PC gaming since I was a wee tot, all right? And I grew up on Space Invaders and King’s Quest. Of course, teh hardcore l33tz will be making fun of me for not playing FPS games. Pardon me if I like games with, oh, plot?

Besides, even Vint Cerf plays WOW. If it’s good enough for the ‘Father of the Internet’, it’s good enough for me.

I hate walking away from anything. Because I believe in finishing things, in holding on until it hurts too much to go any further.

Sometimes, though, you have to be honest with yourself and everyone involved when you realise the stakes, and the price, is too high for you to pay. It’s only March and already I’m starting over, ending one adventure and changing direction in another.

It’s hard to swallow my pride and admit to myself that I just wasn’t the best fit for a role. But I guess it’s better I admit it, open the door that’s suddenly opened for me and leave room for more worthy successors. I see the writing on the wall and it’s telling me “There is where you should be, not here.” A path is laid out for me to walk on and I see now that its beginnings had been laid so much earlier.

In work and in love, sometimes you just have to understand that you’re not “The One”. You might have been a good candidate, but not the best candidate. And it works both ways.  Sometimes an employer, or a lover, might keep you around because you fill a space. But at the back of their minds, no matter how hard you try to fill that space, you can’t take the place of an ideal that you aren’t.

I’m afraid.

I’m excited.

I’m sure.

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all your so called problems
Better put 'em in quotations
Say what you need to say (x7)
Say what you need to saaaay...

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead
If you could only
Say what you need to say (x7)
Say what you need to saaay...

Have no fear
For giving in
Have no fear
For giving over
You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much
Then never to say what you need to say again
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open... wide...
Say what you need to say (x7)
Say what you need to
Say what you need to
Say what you need to say...

When overtaken by arrogance, I often make fun of the small-minded and people unable to grasp either the big picture or possibilities.

But I am guilty of another sin – not being able to live in the present. Everything in my life is so scripted. Uptight, wound tightly, defensive to the point I snap, revealing that my supposed easygoing nature masks my inner control freak.

It’s hard dancing to a song when you’re not listening to the beat, not letting the music envelop you. We’re all guilty of ignoring the song that’s playing and instead wondering what will play next, what tune to recommend to the DJ  or whether maybe you/your brother/your musician friend could do a better job of it.

Perhaps it wasn’t coincidence I stumbled upon Katie Goodman’s “Improvisation for the Spirit". A self-help book utilising the tools of improv comedy? Pretty novel, I thought and it didn’t hurt the price was marked down at the MPH Warehouse sale.

Goodman describes the first four skills of improv thus:

1. You must be present and listen carefully

2. The pink elephant rule: don’t negate

3. Affirm and add

4. Always be willing to surrender your plans

The second rule stirred feelings of guilt. How often had I shot down ideas without fully listening to them? Ignored thought and just dismissed ideas out of hand without at least giving the person some due consideration?

I suppose one reason people choose to remain ignorant is the truth that the more you know, the more painfully aware you become of how little you actually do know. The process of learning is becoming, for me, a mirror reflecting back my shortcomings.

If I’m still a work in progress, I dread how much work there is yet to be done.

My new obsession: Boyce Avenue and their stripped down cover versions. Favourite so far is this slow keyboard version of Ne-Yo's Because of You.

This version takes the crassness of the original and turns the song into a bittersweet song about lust and obsession.

I got a problem and I don't know what to do about it
Even if I did I don't know if I would quit but I doubt it
I'm taken by the thought of it
And I know this much is true
Baby, you have become my addiction
I'm so strung out on you I can barely move
But I like it and it's all because of you

The problem with being addicted to emotional stimuli is that you get so wrapped up in the whole notion of feeling, feeling something is better than nothing.

Emotional high junkies.

When do you go to rehab and how do you call cold turkey?

"If you think this is as good as it gets, I swear you ain't seen nothing yet." *

Corny sounding, yet rather appropriately describing what DiGi brings to the mobile broadband table. Got invited to another blogger's event (might be my last one for a while, more on that in some other post) to the DiGi Broadband briefing for bloggers.

I have Streamyx, two DiGi EDGE accounts and Maxis Wireless Supposed Broad-But-Really-Crappyband. So I do have some basis for comparison. Of all the telco providers I've used, I've found Celcom to have the widest coverage but the worst customer service, Maxis the spottiest 3G connections and DiGi the better rates with an EDGE connection more reliable than all the men I've ever dated.

To be frank, I was disappointed DiGi decided to roll out a wireless broadband service before upgrading all us loyal EDGE users to 3G. We kept the faith, after all, when DiGi was denied a 3G license and we still refused to mass migrate to Maxis or Celcom.

Though I had the chance to get an early preview of the service a few weeks ago, I decided to see how the service evolved before jumping. My experience with Maxis Wireless Broadband was painful, to tell you the truth. Frequent disconnects, clueless technical support and speeds that were plainly ridiculous for what I was paying.

DiGi claims that it's 'managing expectations' by being upfront about its plans' average speeds as well as the bandwidth cap. I'm all for bandwidth caps, really. Torrenting is something I find patently annoying and I really hate the thought of someone hogging the bandwidth to get illegal film copies, making it hard for people like me who just want to watch YouTube or check email.

There are three plans, each with differing bandwidth caps. After you pass your caps, your speed is throttled to EDGE speeds and for the cheaper Discover and Explore plans, you'll be charged for extra data. Fortunately, those charges are capped to RM138 so you'll never pay more than RM138 no matter how much data you end up using on those plans. More information can be found on the plans at this URL: http://www.digi.com.my/broadband/

I was wary about the latency issues, what with my horrendous Maxis Wireless experience. Nazim from the DiGi Broadband team said that they were working on ensuring that latency would be kept around 70-100ms. Of course that would be tougher when it came to international links, but for certain sites DiGi would be using technology like caching or sites like (Edit: Akamai) to deliver better customer experiences. Hopefully they have Facebook on their list since Streamyx takes forever to load it these days.

DiGi's trying to be more transparent, likely learning from Maxis's poor attempt at dodging all the uncomfortable questions about its bandwidth caps. At least someone's getting that overpromising and underdelivering just doesn't work.

Would I recommend the plans? I'd say that DiGi's broadband is a nice alternative for those wanting a second or backup line, or don't mind paying a little more for reliable light surfing. If you don't use broadband for more than email, IM, surfing and the occasional YouTube video, you might find DiGi a better bet than the hassle which is installing Streamyx.

Now I eagerly await DiGi 3G for my mobile phone. I've been faithful enough and resisted the temptation of switching to the other two, even when one dangled the JesusPhone as motivation. Not happening - you'd take my Nokia 5800 over my dead body.

DiGi Broadband's gotten off to a good start with a lot of positive buzz in the market. So now the challenge is to build on that momentum and show the return of investment on taking over TIME's 3G spectrum. Keep listening to your customers, don't overhype, stay transparent and keep providing good support and service.

Just one thing: my friends would like you to improve your coverage because they're tired of hearing 'this number is not in service' when I'm pretty sure I paid for Call Waiting. Otherwise, great start, DiGi, and you have my number when you start rolling out 3G for phones.

*Lyrics from my new favourite Brian McKnight song, The Rest of My Life.

The most dissatisfied people I know always seem to be complaining about the things they have to do as opposed to what they want to do.

Sometimes it’s as innocuous as getting in at work early when all you really want to do is sleep in.

It’s not pleasant being torn between two different, opposing directions. My biggest conflict at my previous job was feeling as if I was serving Mammon when I wanted to serve God.

Where is the middle ground? How do you resolve your ideals and the practicalities of day-to-day living?

I guess in the end it boils down to priorities. Narrowing things down, deciding what I really want.

Sometimes it’s just a matter of wanting what you have got, instead of longing after what you haven’t.

I don’t always find that happy medium; a lot of times I am just as dissatisfied as the unhappy people I see.

But there are days I come so close. My heart feels lighter and despite the weariness of my body, I feel an indescribable ease of soul.

To be, and be happy just to be. Right here, where I am, who I am. Until tomorrow comes and I feel the need to kick myself into doing better. When the deadlines come piling up, the obligations start weighing on my consciousness, or old antagonists remind me they exist.

But right now I feel as though I am just one wing’s breadth short of flying.  Almost, but not quite, perfectly content.

I think I’ve only really watched three Bollywood films in my life. Watched as in really, really watched. There are only so many hills and trees to run around before I quickly lose interest and switch channels. But the recent Oscar win by A R Rahman got my curiosity piqued. Was Jai Ho, his winning anthem, all that award worthy?

After listening to it, the movie versions and the remixed PCD cover, I still say that my favourite Hindi song is another A R Rahman classic: Nahin Samne from the film Taal. It was sung by the vocally spectacular Hariharan. The man has pipes! So here’s Nahin Samne as heard in the film Taal. I had no idea what it meant when I first heard it but it’s got the kind of melody that will stick in your head forever – catchy yet layered, tuneful but not run of the mill.

No wonder Roger Ebert was enamoured of Taal.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gpa7W9oOK8&hl=en&fs=1]

dekho chhodke kis raste vo jaate hain

Watch what road she takes after abandoning me!

saare raste vaapas mere dil ko aate hain

All of them lead back to my heart.

nahin saamne

Your absence

nahin saamne yeh alag baat hai

In your absence, such a strange thing happens.

nahin saamne

Your absence

nahin saamne yeh alag baat hai

In your absence, such a strange thing happens:

mere paas hai

You're close to me.

mere paas hai tu mere paas hai...

I have you here with me...

mere saath hai...

you're with me.

tera naam main ne liya hai yahaan

I have called out your name here, and

mujhe yaad tuune kiya hai vahaan

there, you have suddenly thought of me.

tera naam main ne liya hai yahaan

I have called out your name here, and

mujhe yaad tuune kiya hai vahaan

there, you have suddenly thought of me.

baDe zor ki aaj barsaat hai

the rains are heavy today

mere paas hai tu mere paas hai...

I have you here with me...

mere saath hai...

You're with me.

bichhadke bhi mujhse juda tu nahin

Even separated, we are not apart.

khafa hai magar bevafa tu nahin

You're angry, but you haven't lost faith.

bichhadke bhi mujhse juda tu nahin

Even separated, we are not apart.

khafa hai magar bevafa tu nahin

You're angry, but you haven't lost faith.

mere haath mein hi tera haath hai...

Your hand is still in mine...

mere paas hai tu mere paas hai...

I have you here with me...

mere saath hai...

You're with me...

mere paas hai...

You're so close to me...

So I was sharing with a friend my desire to do good works and promote volunteerism and CSR. He scoffed, “You’re in the wrong industry, and probably the wrong country.” Maybe he has a point about the latter seeing as a recent report showed that locally listed companies scored poorly where CSR was concerned.

I was disappointed, but I wasn’t surprised.

See, my biggest ‘failure’ as I think of it at The Mag was not being able to push the whole concept of CSR within the organisation. Oh, we were happy to ‘support’ our clients’ CSR pushes by writing pithy articles and politely feigning interest. But it was always about the money, the bottom line, the next thing to keep our clients advertising.

It’s hard enough trying to make ends meet in the industry without promising coverage and time to, say, a charitable foundation. The most I could ever go was write about causes that mattered or making the odd snarky reference in my editor’s note. As far as I could get away with it, I let others write advertorials while I wrote meatier features on Net Neutrality and other topics I felt mattered more than megapixels.

But it always bothered me – that nagging little feeling that I could do more, and be more. I tried working for the UNHCR and found quickly that though I loved the refugee cause, I could do more for it outside than inside the organisation.  Leaving the UNCHR gave me more opportunities to speak about refugee issues than I ever had while I was working for it. There was too much red tape, too much worry, too much stress and strain.

Does social responsibility have a place within the ‘flack’ industry? Weber Shandwick makes interesting points about why organisations can’t afford to ignore CSR:

“CSR is not easy. It isn’t a product you can just buy, which is why that email I received was so revealing. It is a state of mind and must form part of the "core DNA" of a company if it is going to be worthwhile. Ideally any company’s commitment to corporate responsibility will be endorsed and owned by those at the very top of its leadership.

CSR is a particularly difficult area for the PR industry. Ask most CSR practitioners or NGOs and they will tell you categorically, even scornfully, that CSR is "not about PR". In a sense it is a fair point. There must be substance behind the spin. If it is a half-hearted attempt to keep NGOs at bay, it will not generate value for money or raise profile. In that sense there is no point in using PR if there is nothing substantial to communicate.

On the other hand, all substantive actions will be wasted if companies do not hire the best in the business to communicate their CSR work loudly and clearly. In addition to its societal benefits, CSR is providing entirely new angles for businesses to communicate with their audiences.”

My strength, and weakness, is my idealism. No matter how cynical I may seem to some people, I really do believe that doing good matters. If everyone stopped, gave up, and just wrote off good works then there would be no one to fight for the poor, the disenfranchised, the disabled, the helpless, the voiceless.

What I hope for might not be realised in this lifetime, but I can cling to the hope that it might be realised for my grandchildren. Whether or not I have any is immaterial; I want to make the world a little better for my having lived in it. That’s my only dream that has remained through all the years of heartache and disappointment. So don’t shatter it for me, please?

Today is my father’s 58th birthday. Of all the men I’ve ever known, he’s always been the yardstick I measure anyone of them by.

And no one really quite measures up.

My father writes poetry, taught himself BASIC, C and woodworking. He longed to play violin when he was a child but couldn’t afford it. He ended up finally getting a violin in his middle age and teaching himself. He’s actually a talented flute and keyboard player and speaks four languages.

Sometimes I feel outgeeked by my father. He now blogs avidly, writes better than I could aspire to (and I have two so-called writing awards), and thinks Google Chrome is awesome. He introduced me to Star Wars, the IBM PC, comic books, Tolstoy and Wilde.

He’s been the Postmaster General and his former staff still speak of him glowingly. Despite the fatc that Dad’s always been a restless vagabond and had a different job written for each of our birth certificates. In many ways, I’m my father’s daughter. Always with a finger in a different pie, mad about books, inflexible when it comes to work ethics and unabashedly romantic.

I was mad about the last guy I dated because for the first time, I met someone who reminded me of my dad. But like my father, he was, emotionally, a difficult and oft-inaccessible book. And I’m the type who will tackle a complex book without giving up, struggling through verbosity, obscure references and murky metaphors. Though that book is closed to me forever, the pages of my father’s heart are open to me now.

Knowing my father loves me, having him tell me so, is probably one of the most precious things I’ve ever received. Thank you, Pa, for helping me to value the things you can’t buy with money more than anything else in the world. I’ll never be ashamed to say that I am my father’s daughter. And I love you as much today as I did when I was a child who thought her father was the best-looking, smartest and best father in the world.

I remember, Pa, pretending to be so tired and lying in the car with my eyes shut. And you carried me out, thinking I was sleeping. I wouldn’t have opened my eyes then for anything.

Love you, Pa.

No, not an emo post. Just an old song that’s been covered by Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr. and, funnily enough, James Brown. It’s from the musical Stop The World – I Want To Get Off.

The musical’s rather tragic – the main character searches for an elusive happiness that drives him to find solace in the arms of many a woman. But in the end, he finds that what he wants he had all along in the love of his wife.

Aren’t we all fools sometimes? Without the wisdom of discernment, hanging on to the unnecessary and letting the important slip through our fingers. I’m good at dishing out annoying unsolicited advice, but I’m always a fool when it comes to love. My career path has been just as tumultuous as my affairs of the heart, but I wouldn’t change a thing. If even the smallest thing changed, I might not know the people I do now or done the things I’d never imagined doing.

One painful lesson I’ve learned is that sometimes you do get what you want, and it isn’t what you imagined it to be at all. That it can sometimes hurt you more than it gives you joy. Or sometimes you find the joy was an illusion and the reality more painful than you ever imagined.

I’ve learned that I don’t have all the answers, that I can’t always go it alone. But if I trust and believe in the One who does have all the answers, I’ll find them. And if I don’t, that’s OK too.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-p4hdsu5HSk&hl=en&fs=1]

What kind of fool am I
Who never fell in love
It seems that I'm the only one that I have been thinking of

What kind of man is this?
An empty shell
A lonely cell in which an empty heart must dwell

What kind of lips are these
That lied with every kiss
That whispered empty words of love that left me alone like this

Why can't I fall in love
Like any other man
And maybe then I'll know what kind of fool I am

What kind of clown am I?
What do I know of life?
Why can't I cast away the mask of play and live my life?

Why can't I fall in love
Till I don't give a damn
And maybe then I'll know what kind of fool I am

I usually make merciless fun of all those relationship books I see in the market. “The Rules”, “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” and all that ilk annoy me. But I ended up reading Unhooked Generation: The Truth About Why We’re Still Single and it’s given me a lot to think about.  Unlike other books and their quasi-research, author Jillian Strauss has actually put a lot of thought and study into the reasons why so many singles are single…even if they don’t want to be.

I like how filly.ca’s review sums up the uncomfortable truths contained in the book thus:

“Straus explores how we long for 'the one' yet approach dating in a 'multiple-choice society' where we believe that relationships should be immediate and are replaceable. We embrace casual sex and live in a society that treats sex as a commodity, and as a result undermine what sex with 'the one' could be. Men and women try to balance both traditional gender roles and the more egalitarian roles of today and end up with totally unrealistic expectations.”

The reviewer’s mother gives one bit of advice which makes more sense of any of “The Rules”: “You don't find someone that fits your life. You find someone and figure out how you make it work for both of you.”

Reading the book, it’s easy to recognise the patterns a lot of us end up in. I see them in myself and the many still-singles I know. I saw that in the last guy I dated, who I realised later was pretty much emotionally unavailable.

“I’ll see you when I see you.” Earth to Erna, Commitmentphobe alert.

I guess the reasons why a lot of us serial-date is because we’re afraid we’ll be stuck with a no-hoper like that. But all these lonely people playing the field, never committing and always keeping an eye out for someone better…it’s sad. Sex and the City sad. You know Carrie wants to find The One but No One is ever good enough. Whine whine Ooh pretty shoes whine whine. That’s Carrie. And she’s the role model for women everywhere? Good grief. No wonder we all need books to get our love lives sorted.

While I don’t believe you should settle for someone abusive, emotionally retarded, or a douchebag, I also don’t believe that you should date around just because you can. You meet someone, find a little bit more about that person, hang out and see if something develops. If it doesn’t, move on. If you don’t give anything of yourself at all to a relationship, then how can you expect for it to develop at all? But if you’re the only one giving, walk. Just walk.

It would be nice to meet someone, but until I do, there’s little to complain about right now. I’m making a career change, getting involved with the theatre, spending time with good people, and finally being comfortable with my faith and who I am. And thankfully, I’m not spending any of my time watching Sex and the City. Manolo Blahniks are overrated anyway.

Perhaps my mind is just taking a break from all the ‘corporate’ writing, but I’m drawn more to putting music and lyrics together now.

One refrain keeps playing in my mind right now, and I’m glad I recorded it months back:

I want you to be happy
I want you to be free
I want you to love someone
We both know it can’t be me

It’s just my putting into words the complexities I’ve dealt with in some friendships. Too often, I slide into non-platonic relationships, when I really should have just stayed friends. Problem is once I’ve done the whole ‘more than friends’ thing, it’s hard to go back to the way things were before – when there were no messy hangups, misunderstandings, or emotional entanglements that just make things harder than they should be.

And sometimes I get so emotionally close to someone of the opposite sex, that other people get confused. The more I protest there’s nothing going on, the more they insist something is. You just can’t win, eh?

Have ran the lyrics and music by a friend; he says lyrically he likes that what comes through is ‘honest and true’. I was a little afraid that the results would come out sounding far too personal or revealing but I’ll leave that to the friend I’m writing the song for to decide. Now to move on to the next tune!

To quote George Monbiot, “You know you have only one life. You know it is a precious, extraordinary, unrepeatable thing: the product of billions of years of serendipity and evolution. So why waste it by handing it over to the living dead?”

I’m making a very conscious effort to be in bed by 12am, 1am at the latest. Some may say that I’m being idealistic or impractical. I tell them “Are you going to pay for my doctor’s bill or hold yourself responsible for the MC I’m going to need?” When I was younger, I could burn the midnight oil and stay up until 5am, sleeping for two hours before heading off to work. I can’t do that anymore. And I won’t. Whatever needs getting done, will get done, in the day, when I am sane, alert and propped up by a lot of coffee.

So when other people try to guilt me about the poor souls working late nights and being ‘productive’, I snap at them and say “Go to any old folks home and ask them about their rheumatism, their arthritis, their aches and pains. None of them will tell you they wished they slept less when they were younger.”

Sleep is not for the weak. It is for those who realise that, one day, they will be.

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
- Thomas Merton, "Thoughts in Solitude"

Dear God, why am I deaf to what you tell me? Why do I hear only what I want to hear? Why do I make decisions based on my wanton desires, my injurious ego, my misplaced pride? In short, I’ve been selfish, self-absorbed and really, not much more than a glorified pissant.

I asked the wrong questions; I heard the wrong answers. So many times, my paralysis from indecision could have been solved if I’d thought to myself: “What would You have me do?”

So I’m writing this here for all to read in the hopes that maybe I’ll remember more times than not to put you first.

I recall that scene in Return of the King where Faramir asks his father, “What would you have me do?” But I know that if I ask that of You, you would not throw away my life with no care, or little thought for it unlike Faramir’s patriach. The paths you could send me on might perhaps be dangerous, hard or lonely but I would rather walk them than spend an eternity without You. So take off my earmuffs, remove my blinders, and take my hand. Because I’m still here, still waiting for you as You have waited for me.

One thing I like about hosting my own website – poof! I can make all my entries disappear. Yes, I now have a spanking new layout again: a slightly modified version of Jim Ramsey’s Mid-Century theme.

  I’ve unpublished my posts of the last few months. There’s just something I feel missing. In January, things were great, I felt (mostly) fine but by February the highs were replaced by physical and emotional lows. Now, March is coming and I’m taking a step back to reassess where I am now.

Is this where I want to be? Is this who I want to be? Am I taking the easier route instead of pushing for what I really want?

And what the heck do I want, anyway?

I’ve had to take a long, hard look at what I’m truly passionate about. And I think I can say that as far as my vocation goes, at heart I’m always going to be a writer. A wordsmith, as Irene puts it. I have many interests – theatre, music, technology – but what I do best is write.

Does this mean I want to go back to the world of journalism? No. But perhaps I would like to teach the world to write better. Because right now, I see tripe front, left and centre. I see it in the news, in emails, in press releases…but blogs, well, you have to live with crap blog writing. But it sure made it easy to point and laugh at a writer I knew who blogged in SMS-speak. Like how is anyone supposed to take you seriously when you sound like this on your blog:  “I thot dat my article wuz gud and didn’t nid edting even if dere wuz a 30 wurd sentence wid 7 semicolons and 5 clauses.”

I remember being a young wannabe writer and having to endure the more ‘senior’ ones bemoaning how ‘green’ the newer ones were. If I was half as snarky then as I am now, I would have said “I don’t see you doing anything about it!”

Maybe it’s time I did do something about it.

I am sitting here typing on my tiny Eee PC because my desktop PC's hard disk has died on me. So has, unfortunately, my newly-installed Streamyx line.

And to think people keep exhorting me to get Streamyx when I know, and they know, it patently sucks. To top it all off, my left eye is red, swollen and so sensitive, I've resorted to keeping it closed. Yes, my computer, my DSL and my left eye all don't work for me right now.

It's forced me to think about a lot of things - the unhealthy amount of time I spend at my computer. Yes, I have a job that requires me to be at my home PC but I don't have to be too sedentary. I'm getting chest pains and I think my muscles have begun to atrophy. I've cut down on all my other projects outside of HMMW. Not without some regret, I admit.Why have any projects at all, some ask. Because to have no life outside work - it's sad. Your job should never own you. "But it puts money on the table!" Wrong. I believe God does.

But so I don't feel like I'm going out of my mind, I'm plonking out tunes on my keyboard. It is strangely satisfying. You can't think of anything else - not my job, not the show, not even my darn rabbits - when trying to get my fingers to collaborate. The other beauty of it is I can't think too hard. The harder I force it, the more I strain, the more likely I'll flub the tune.

So I need to work on my work/life balance. Pray more. Discipline myself to do my Pilates/Ashtanga and not let my muscles atrophy. Get on that damn bicycle.Sing because I miss it, because I need it.

And now my body demands (despite forcing me to sleep the entire morning) I continue to pay back all the sleep debt I owe. Good night.

I sense a flu or high fever coming on.

I blame the damnable weather. Came home today from a morning-long gathering, after stopping at Kinokuniya for a bit. Slept from 3.30 to 8.30 and woke up feeling not refreshed, but worse. I suppose it came from lack of sleep, a terminably hot morning and afternoon followed by cold, cold rain in the evening.

But I did take a little time to muck with the 4-octave Yamaha synth my brother brought over. It’s a fun little thing, an ancient PSS-470. Not the best thing to be learning on, due to its smaller keys, but I’ll probably upgrade down the road once I can afford it. It’ll mean relearning finger placement once I get full-sized keys but right now am taking time to learn note positions and beef up my music learning. I can read the treble clef passably; the bass clef eludes me right now.

So when I do get a full-sized keyboard, at least it’ll be more a matter of getting used to the large keys, relearning finger positions and functions. I don’t intend to be a full-fledged pianist. Music-wise, I’m a singer first, a lousy guitarist second but hopefully a passable keyboardist in…two years? I’m a slow learner at anything needing hand-eye co-ordination.

Which makes my getting a bicycle seem idiotic. Why didn’t I use the money and get a decent keyboard instead? Because I already have a guitar. Because I need the exercise. It’s cheaper than a gym membership. And it’s getting less safe for me to walk around to the places I usually do, like the 7-11, the mamak, my laundromat. Getting a car right now isn’t really an option because who knows when I’ll get my darn license. I’m just very leery about committing to a car when three people I know got into rather nasty car accidents already this year and it’s just March now!

I despise cars, I’ll be frank here. I think too many people own them, but too few drive them well. Malaysians don’t think about the costs to the environment every time they drive. Look at global warming, for pete’s sake, how the weather is screwy and wildlife is suffering. Look at the traffic jams, the motorists dying in perfectly preventable accidents (like, not driving like an idiot). But in Malaysia, I’m seen as a fool for choosing consciously not to drive.

Why should I support a car industry that thrives on selling overpriced, poorly made cars?
Why should I add another vehicle to the already congested roads?
Why should I be another person using fossil fuels and contributing to the environment’s deterioration?

I’m going to learn to drive but I’m going to try and figure out a way to still survive without a car. A moped? Cycling? Combining either with trains?

Gandhi said that we must be the change we want to see in the world. I want to see less damn cars. Less idiots. Safer roads. Let’s see if I hold to that resolution.