I’ve often blogged about how hurtful it is to deal with friends who you see are going down dark paths, about the helplessness and brokenness of being unable to steer them where it is safe.
Because people will go where they will, and love means not attempting to exert control over their decisions or desires.
Knowing that, I’ve also taken time to listen to the people I know care enough to tell me what I need to hear and not what I want.
Talking to Claire about my recent one month romance to nowhere, she said that I should be thankful that at least it proved a good buffer. That it cushioned the pain of separating from my long-term relationship, and made it easier for me to let the first one go.
And though I am upset about having to let this new one go, I know I’ll have to. That if it really was meant to be, then so many obstacles wouldn’t have popped up for no good reason. I had no control over the situation, over his decisions; I can only decide to grieve and then try to live again.
It was also good to talk to my spiritual mentor of sorts, S. I’ve usually had problems dealing with spiritual authority figures because I feel antsy around them – I feel judged and found wanting. But S’s kindness and approachability makes it easy to talk with him.
And I see other friends in their own times of darkness and real despair. I am just sorrowing for something that will never be. The pain will pass in time, I know. Acknowledge my grief, be honest about my despair, and not try to hold the tears in. There’ll be setbacks, I’m sure. The next time I see him in a crowd, I’ll probably be reaching for the hard liquor and smiling fake, brittle smiles. But I remember the sorrow of past splits. The tears will ebb, the heart will stop aching and the bitterness gone from my tongue.
I’m not there yet…but I know I will be. Of that, at least, I’m certain. I remember praying to God last year to never let me forget Him. Well, in times of sorrow I remember Him more – not exactly what I wanted but it’s still good to feel safe, to feel loved, to know that I will always find rest in Him.
I wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
‘Cause I feel so defeated
And I’m feeling alone
And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I’m a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land
And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing
Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough
~ Switchfoot, Let That Be Enough