Earnestly, Erna

Archive for December 2008

Because you’re not the only one hurting

December 16, 2008 Musings No comments

In the spirit of the season, I was looking around for Christmas songs to keep my mood perky at the office. It is my last month here, after all. Somehow I stumbled across this vocal group called the Gaither Vocal Band. Now, I’m not exactly a fan of Southern Gospel or how country-ish it sounds, but I decided to give their Christmas album and their latest release, Lovin’ Life a listen.

I stumbled across this song, When I Cry, which really wasn’t the mood-lifter I was looking for. Instead, it’s a ballad that reminds us that God is there through our suffering. I remember a mentor exclaiming loudly at people calling tragedies like the Bukit Antarabangsa collapse “God’s will”. He said vehemently, and I agree, that “God had nothing to do with it!”

Pain and suffering are inescapable on this earth, but to say that God wills needless tragedies on us is a lie. I suppose this song says everything I think about how God really reacts in the midst of tragedy:

Makin' a list of all of the good things You've done for me
Lord, I've never been one to complain
But right now I'm lost and I can't find my way
My world's come apart and it's breakin' my heart
But it helps to know Your heart is breakin' too
When I cry, You cry
When I hurt, You hurt
When I've lost someone
It takes a piece of You, too
And when I fall on my face
You fill me with grace
'Cause nothin' breaks Your heart
Or tears You apart
Like when I cry
Alone in the dark, face in my hands, crying out to You
Lord, there's never been a time in my life
There's so much at stake, there's so much to lose
But I trust it to You
You'll bring me through
And it helps me to know that I'm not alone
When I cry, You cry
When I hurt, You hurt
When I've lost someone
It takes a piece of You, too
And when I fall on my face
You fill me with grace
'Cause nothin' breaks Your heart
Or tears You apart
Like when I cry
You're the one who calmed the raging sea
You're the one who made the blind to see
You looked through all of heaven and eternity
And through it all you saw me...
When I cry, You cry
When I hurt, You hurt
And when I've lost someone it takes a piece of You, too
When I fall on my face, You fill me with grace
Nothing breaks your heart, or tears you apart
Like when I cry

Monday Music: Brokenhearted ~ Wanya Morris/Brandy

December 16, 2008 Music No comments

I miss 90s R&B. When Boyz II Men still hummed their ways into our minds on the radio, Jodeci still mixed bad boy style with sensitivity and you didn’t hear Rihanna every frickin’ day.
One of my favourite tracks of those times was a lesser-known duet by Boyz II Men, Wanya Morris, and the then up-and-coming starlet Brandy. Brokenhearted was a sweet duet, which mixed bittersweet reminiscing and hopefulness after the end of a relationship. A far cry from the usual “I’ll die without you if you leave me please don’t go” genre of breakup songs.
The lovers in the song speak candidly about their grief for the ending, but still try to find some solace in friendship. It’s rather novel to me because I’ve never been able to be friends with my exes.
“Only brokenhearted, life’s not over
I can start again…”
It’s a hopeful way to start the week, though my heart still feels scarred over from the events of the past few months. But good comes with the bad. After weeks of working on my week middle range, I’ve finally solved one problem area and finally know how the whole Italian ‘inner smile’ works. It just happened, the note just came and it was just so freeing emotionally to be able to sing happily without fear, in my upper range, without chickening out into head voice.
My voice is ‘heavy’ with a stupidly large range – which means 15 minutes a day won’t cut it, so I have to spend a longer time exercising it. Singing every note in a 2.5 octave range gets very tiresome, very quickly. And the entire range sounds very different – down in chest voice I’m very husky while all the way in head the notes sound airy-fairy. Pretty but just…too much of a contrast.
Also heard from my father and the Norwegian – which brightened up my evening as well. It’s nice to know people are thinking of you from across the miles, and just making sure you’re OK. Opening yourself up to people leaves you wide open to pain and heartache; but it also allows you to embrace all the love the world has to offer. So I’ll take the occasional broken heart over closing myself up to the world.

Only brokenhearted, life’s not over
I can start again
While I’m lonely, brokenhearted
Its a hurting, thing to get over
Why don’t you tell me about it?

I’m young but I’m wise enough to know
That you don’t fall in love overnight
That’s why I thought if I took my time
That everything in love would be right
Oh, oh
But as soon as I closed my eyes
I was saying to love “good-bye”
Chorus:
But I guess I’m only… brokenhearted
Life’s not over I can start again
While I’m lonely brokenhearted

Its a hurting thing to get over
No more empty conversations
Next time I will be totally sure, oh
Don’t want the pain of falling in and out of love
Its more than my poor heart should endure
Bridge:
So I’ll listen to all advice
And remember each time I cry
Chorus
Da, da, da, da, da-ha whoa..
Bridge
Chorus
Think about you all the time
Bridge 2:
Never thought I’d be alone again
That’s why I asked you to be my best friend
You know you’re always on my mind
Think about you all the time
You know what I’m saying?
Oh baby

He speaks to me like a lover

December 15, 2008 Musings No comments

I sometimes think that the depressing turbulence in my romantic life is just a means for God to sneakily claim a sturdier place in my heart. His ‘wooing’ is rather effective, though, and He puts His points across so well, I feel like just running off into the wilderness, forsaking Man and all men. To commune with Him and depend on nothing more but His grace and His mercy.

I want to run away with God. Scary, isn’t it?

But it’s hard to resist when I hear these whispers..

I know you.

I am here for you.

I will not be distant from you, and will be as close to you as you want me to be.

I will not lie to you.

I will not abandon you for another.

I will be your confidante, your secrets I will not reveal.

I will listen and not judge.

I will not shy from your pain or anger.

I will not hurt you the way men will, though they cannot help it because it is their nature to wound. Their love is imperfect, because they are.

I will not spurn your affection.

I will protect you.

I will not make you feel unworthy.

My love will be enough for you, my grace sufficient to last you the rest of your days.

I do love you.

Just as much me, among other things

December 14, 2008 Faith No comments

Image by ecstaticist via Flickr

I suppose it must disturb some of the people who read this blog how much I’ve talked about faith, and God and my beliefs.
Because a lot of them know me outside this blog, you see. They’ve seen the wanton incarnation of me – the occasionally inebriated, sometimes foul-mouthed, and she-devil grazing the edges of scandalous. So it’s jarring to compare that to this person who talks about God, and truth, and love and faith and grace.
And rainbows and kittens and puppies, ZOMG!
The reality is that I would be absolutely insufferable if it wasn’t for my faith. If I didn’t believe in God, His mercy and loving kindness, I would probably have booked myself on the highway of hedonism with a one-way ticket straight to a messy, early death. With all my wild, wanton ways, I’ve never touched marijuana. Try and push absinthe towards me and I’d laugh and tell you I’d rather keep my brain cells intact. Plus Guinness is better for you, anyway. At least that’s what the Irish would say.
I am not free of vices. I do tend to get too wrapped up in the men I’m seeing to the point I can ride better highs than any designer drugs (which I don’t touch either. Brr) but then tend to crash and burn painfully, and quickly. Yes, I’m a sick love junkie, which I’m slowly trying to fix with what I call God Rehab. Trust men, just don’t put your trust IN them – people are fallible and weak so if you really must put your trust in something, then let it be in God or whatever higher power you believe in.
If only believing in God was enough to make you a better person. To tell you the truth, I’d be a worse person if I didn’t believe. Take me apart and you’ll see that the cog, the wheel that somehow keeps me still somewhat together is the undying belief that Yes, Erna, There Is A God. And that He loves me for reasons unfathomable to me.

Tis the season for camwhoring

December 14, 2008 Personal One comment

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Well, today was supposed to be another Saturday of intense social activity.
In the morning, I dashed off bright and early to The Curve for a Bazaar Shopping Blitz courtesy of MySimplifieds.com. Ah, the joy and privileges of beta testing.
The MySimplifieds.com crew thought it would be hilarious to give us each RM200…in RM1 bills. Har de har. So before heading to the Curve, I took out the N82 for a handy makeup check so I’d know I wouldn’t be going out with cakey makeup or panda eyes.
Yes, the N82 as an enabler for my vanity. But seriously, taking a picture of how my makeup looks is far more accurate than my mirror, which isn’t near a good natural light source.
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I got there a wee bit early, but Beatrice was great company. After we were briefed and doled out cash, it was a matter of visiting the many stalls around Cineleisure/The Curve and spotting what I liked.
Took a bit longer than I anticipated, due to stalls opening late and I only found ones I really liked just outside Borders.
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MySimplifieds.com was also running promotions for the site, as well as the contest. The promoters they hired were really fun, outgoing and enthusiastic. Even being patient with my requests to take inane pictures of props. Such good sports!
A pity the crowd was lukewarm, but the kids persevered nonetheless. Also got a preview of DiGi’s 3G wireless services which look pretty good at the moment though we’ll see how that changes once it’s rolled out nation-wide.
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Yes, here I am in my favourite Bossini t-shirt and showing off my RM200 in RM1 bills. I got to feel like a pimp for all of…10 seconds?
Bought my colleague a gift for the Secret Santa event end of the month, added another 2 dresses to my wardrobe, a new little carry bag and a handmade bracelet so cute I couldn’t resist.
KY, Ringo, Wilson and quite a few other bloggers were there as well. KY was so sweet, passed me a McDonald’s banana pie so I wouldn’t go hungry. Maybe I’ll try and cook this time for his Annual Christmas Eve Party of Awesomeness. Probably will do my chilli con carne which is, if I do say so myself, pretty decent.
I even met the awesome Lyn and Anushia who were on their way to a karaoke party.
Lyn is like the most hardcore Boyzone fan I’ve ever met, and despite all ready having a friend getting an Australian version of their latest album, she still got her own Malaysian edition.
There were downsides to the day…like getting a cab from The Curve can be a nightmare because you get idiots like this wanker trying to charge me RM20 when I paid just RM7 to get to Cineleisure from my house. HWC 3101 – you are a bloodsucking parasitic embarrassment. But I know you’ll eventually roll over into a ditch someday so I won’t be vengeful.
Managed to get a cooler cab driver who was courteous and nice – though I usually pretty much always round up my fares because I know how hard it is trying to make a living driving cabs. The competition, the jams, the kiasu Malaysians…all those things make eking a living tough. So I don’t usually knock our cabbies…except when they stiff white folks just because they can. Sigh.Then my plans to hang out with my friend KT at Sg Wang got derailed because he couldn’t get a bus, and also got enlisted into playing bodyguard to his future mother-in-law. So I hopped it home, thinking I’d take a nice quick nap before I went to see the fun Faiz Rosli sing at BB Plaza.
But no, it rained cats, dogs and antelope until 4.30pm – leaving me no time to get to KL as the show was supposed to start at 5pm. Times like these I almost wished I drove. Almost.
Will probably have a bit of a lie-in tomorrow afternoon once practise for this season’s upcoming performances are done. Still struggling with my solos, what with my vocal cords being damaged by crying myself hoarse all those weeks ago. Never had that happen to me before…I find myself having a bad rasp and rattle in my lower/middle range. But with faith, I will persevere and give thanks that my fellow singers are fun and tolerant.
It’s the season of joy and I’m determined to find mine by walking with my Father in heaven, and the one on earth.

Midnight. It still hurts

December 13, 2008 Personal No comments

I have found the limits to my compassion and understanding. I wish it didn’t have to hurt so much.

It’s the middle of the night, and my silly little heart is whimpering so loudly I can’t sleep. I try and pacify it, but the stubborn thing won’t listen to reason. So instead I’m up online, letting it whine itself out. I can’t find it in me to blame it at all.

No excuse not to pick up your guitar

December 13, 2008 Music, Web/Tech No comments

I’m picking up the guitar again. Hopefully I’ll get past Slightly Muddled Beginner to Slightly More Clued-In Intermediate level. Since all I have is a Yamaha C-60 Suanie helpfully passed along to me when my guitar got sold, I’ve had to get used to the wider neck and slightly softer strings. My folk guitar got taken in a burglary along with my black leather jacket; I’ve never had the heart to replace either.

The Internet’s made it somewhat easier. There are more guitar resources online now – lessons, videos, tabs. I’ve mostly cheated and played most of my songs as slow, fingerpicking versions. Because I suck at strumming so much it’s not funny.

Am having the most problem with barre chords. Just when I get my barres right on the folk, I now have to figure them out on the classical guitar. With a classical guitar, there’s no room for bad form. You need proper finger placement, correct posture and sloppiness is so much more apparent. But the good thing is – I can practise longer on a classical than on a folk because the strings don’t cut into my fingers as much. Despite the calluses I have on my fingers, steel strings still slice into my fingertips to the point the pain just stops me from playing more than 45 minutes at a time.

So the impassioned pain you hear on my Tracy Chapman cover was real pain – from having to replay the song from scratch for the umpteenth time. Once I’m done with season-friendly songs, will put this song of Dave Barnes on my list because it’s one of my favourites from his new album – When A Heart Breaks. The lyrics unfortunately are far too descriptive of what I feel right now so I’ll refrain from dwelling on them too much right now.

“Life, for now, I’ve come to fear
You’ve dropped me off and left me here
With nothing here to find my way
But the lights you take as you pull away”

No one ever told me
It would come to this
What began with such a promise
Would end with such a twist

I lean into the whisper
But I don’t hear a thing

It’s a tear in the dark
All alone in the car
In pieces, in pieces
It’s the sound of mistake
As I lie here awake
Sleepless, sleepless
This is the sound that made
When a heart breaks

Everybody’s laughing
Maybe that’s just me
Does something unrequited
Mean it will never be

I lean into the whisper
But I don’t hear a thing

It’s a tear in the dark
All alone in the car
In pieces, in pieces
It’s the sound of mistake
As I lie here awake
Sleepless, sleepless
This is the sound that made
When a heart breaks

Please don’t leave me here

Life, for now, I’ve come to fear
You’ve dropped me off and left me here
With nothing here to find my way
But the lights you take as you pull away

Far ahead the brush is moving
There’s others here and good is proving
Nothing’s wrong, it’s in my mind
Nothing’s wrong and I’ll be fine

It’s a tear in the dark
All alone in the car
In pieces, in pieces
It’s the sound of mistake
As I lie here awake
Sleepless, sleepless

When Facebook breaks your heart

December 12, 2008 Musings, Personal No comments

So I get to work and login to Facebook. Because it’s how I keep track of events now, the way I know what’s on my social calendar for the week or to check up on what my friends are doing.

And then I see the usual ‘So-and-So has been tagged’ messages.

One of those messages…reading it makes me feel like I took a dagger to the chest. The picture that comes with it slams the dagger all the way home and all I can do is stare at the screen, then quickly logout.

I already know where he was on the weekend. What kills me is who he was with. You were never mine, baby…so why should I even care?

Because it hurts. It hurts to feel second best, second pick, the last resort, the one you might, possibly, perhaps spend time with if she won’t be around to notice. It hurts to just feel not good enough. Not pretty enough, not fun enough, not cute enough, not nice enough, not enough. For you.

But once I pick my self-esteem from the floor where it dropped the moment I saw my Facebook page, I sigh. I dust it off. Listen to music. Remind myself that God still loves me. My friends do love me (and willingly volunteer tire irons and kneecapping services). Life is, besides my disappointing emotional affairs, really good otherwise.

At least you got me singing again. And all the pain, the hurt, the disappointment…I just channel it into my singing and my worship. The more it hurts, the more I pray. The more I feel, the more I want to let it out in song, in verse, in prose.

Maybe I’m trying too hard to see His hand in all the things I do. But I remember the dark times, the long nights where I couldn’t even sleep because I felt too much and it hurt. I remember just reaching my hand out into the dark, asking for Your hand. I found it.

I just listen to a lot of Avalon right now, because I find a lot of their music applicable to most people. That it reaches out to everyone and not just their brethren of a similar faith. That they get it – to believe in God, is to believe in love. And that it applies to everyone.

I Don’t Wanna Go ~ Avalon

You changed my world
When You came to me.
You drove a passion,
In my soul down deep,
Lord, to follow You in everything.

I don’t want to go somewhere
If I know that You’re not there,
‘Cause I know that me without You is a lie.
And I don’t want to walk that road,
Be a million miles from home,
Cause my heart needs to be where You are.
So I don’t want to go.

So come whatever,
(Whatever may come)
I’ll stick with You.
(Right by Your side)
I’ll walk You’ll lead me,
Call me crazy or a fool,
For forever I promise You…

That I don’t want to go somewhere
If I know that You’re not there,
‘Cause I know that me without You is a lie.
And I don’t want to walk that road,
Be a million miles from home,
Cause my heart needs to be where You are.
So I don’t want to go
Without Your touch,
Without Your love
Filling me like an ocean.
For Your grace is enough,
Enough for me.

Never want to go somewhere
If I know that You’re not there.
No, no, no, no.

I don’t want to go somewhere
If I know that You’re not there,
‘Cause I know that me without You is a lie.
And I don’t want to walk that road,
Be a million miles from home,
Cause my heart needs to be right where You are.
So I don’t want to go. No, no.
Oh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Without Your touch,
Without Your love
Filling me like an ocean.
Your grace is enough,
I don’t want to go.

I don’t want to go somewhere,
If I know that You’re not there.
I don’t want to be there without You.
Without your touch,
(I don’t want to go somewhere,)
Without you love
(If I know that You’re not there.
I don’t want to be there without You.)
I don’t want to go. No, no.
(I don’t want to go somewhere,
If I know that You’re not there.
I don’t want to be there without You.)
If You’re not there.
Filling me, loving me.
I don’t want to go.
Don’t want to go.
(Don’t want to go, don’t want to go there without you.)
There without you.
(Don’t want to go)
Don’t want to be
(Don’t want to go, don’t want to go)
There without you.
(There without you.)

Selling stuff the Simplifieds way

December 12, 2008 Web/Tech 2 comments

So a month ago, I got in on a super-sekrit website beta program. It was called Project Greenfields, and proved an ambitious undertaking to create a buy/sell site to rival the likes of eBay and the current ruling site – Mudah.com.my.

Well, the embargo is off and I can now talk my mouth off about MySimplifieds.com and the beta program. It’s definitely something that could be a candidate for next year’s Technology Campaign of the year, just saying.

It was ambitious – take a pool of bloggers, consummate online sellers and give them carte blanche to pick apart a website and say what makes it tick. Online networking tools such as Facebook and Twitter were used to get feedback on the site, but it was probably the Facebook group that got the most participation.

There were plenty of posts with suggestions for tweaks as well as new features. What amused me was the general consensus that the original logo just didn’t cut it, which led the developers back to the drawing board. We beta testers then got to vote for our favourite – which of course is now prominently used on the site.

And the result? A cleaner, more user-friendly site that I find far more intuitive than what the current competition has to offer. Personalised profiles, Facebook and favourites options are neat, but right now I’m happiest with the site’s stability and decent loading times. My experience with Mudah.com.my wasn’t exactly awesome, to tell you the truth. Selling stuff on Lowyat.net was far easier than trying to navigate the headache which is Mudah.

And eBay Malaysia? Hear my loud raucous laughter. Punctuated with a snort of extreme derision.

It was a unique experiment which was fun for the participants involved, giving us plenty of incentive to say our piece on what would make MySimplifieds.com an effective online marketplace.

Moral of the story:

1. Extensive user testing is always the way to go. Otherwise, just do it the lazy Google way and just slap ‘Beta’ on it.

2. Beer smoothens all things.

3. Text 100 still wins the Most Able To Connect With Bloggers without sounding like jackasses Award.

There’s a contest running for best/most creative Classifieds Ad. Unfortunately, I have nothing left to sell after divesting most of my crap. But hey, perhaps you could win yourself a snazzy new phone or PSP or one of those delectable goodies up for grabs.

Of course, right now I’m more distracted by the pre-order of the Nokia 5800. Yes, Nokia is finally having pre-orders for phones online in Malaysia. On MySimplifieds.com!

If I could marry a phone, I’d be Mrs.Nokia Music Xpress 5800. Yes, I am that besotted with it.

So if you have anything to sell or are looking for bargain gifts for the coming Christmas celebration, then head on over to MySimplifieds.com. And order me the damn phone while you’re at it.