When Facebook breaks your heart

So I get to work and login to Facebook. Because it’s how I keep track of events now, the way I know what’s on my social calendar for the week or to check up on what my friends are doing.

And then I see the usual ‘So-and-So has been tagged’ messages.

One of those messages…reading it makes me feel like I took a dagger to the chest. The picture that comes with it slams the dagger all the way home and all I can do is stare at the screen, then quickly logout.

I already know where he was on the weekend. What kills me is who he was with. You were never mine, baby…so why should I even care?

Because it hurts. It hurts to feel second best, second pick, the last resort, the one you might, possibly, perhaps spend time with if she won’t be around to notice. It hurts to just feel not good enough. Not pretty enough, not fun enough, not cute enough, not nice enough, not enough. For you.

But once I pick my self-esteem from the floor where it dropped the moment I saw my Facebook page, I sigh. I dust it off. Listen to music. Remind myself that God still loves me. My friends do love me (and willingly volunteer tire irons and kneecapping services). Life is, besides my disappointing emotional affairs, really good otherwise.

At least you got me singing again. And all the pain, the hurt, the disappointment…I just channel it into my singing and my worship. The more it hurts, the more I pray. The more I feel, the more I want to let it out in song, in verse, in prose.

Maybe I’m trying too hard to see His hand in all the things I do. But I remember the dark times, the long nights where I couldn’t even sleep because I felt too much and it hurt. I remember just reaching my hand out into the dark, asking for Your hand. I found it.

I just listen to a lot of Avalon right now, because I find a lot of their music applicable to most people. That it reaches out to everyone and not just their brethren of a similar faith. That they get it – to believe in God, is to believe in love. And that it applies to everyone.

I Don’t Wanna Go ~ Avalon

You changed my world
When You came to me.
You drove a passion,
In my soul down deep,
Lord, to follow You in everything.

I don’t want to go somewhere
If I know that You’re not there,
‘Cause I know that me without You is a lie.
And I don’t want to walk that road,
Be a million miles from home,
Cause my heart needs to be where You are.
So I don’t want to go.

So come whatever,
(Whatever may come)
I’ll stick with You.
(Right by Your side)
I’ll walk You’ll lead me,
Call me crazy or a fool,
For forever I promise You…

That I don’t want to go somewhere
If I know that You’re not there,
‘Cause I know that me without You is a lie.
And I don’t want to walk that road,
Be a million miles from home,
Cause my heart needs to be where You are.
So I don’t want to go
Without Your touch,
Without Your love
Filling me like an ocean.
For Your grace is enough,
Enough for me.

Never want to go somewhere
If I know that You’re not there.
No, no, no, no.

I don’t want to go somewhere
If I know that You’re not there,
‘Cause I know that me without You is a lie.
And I don’t want to walk that road,
Be a million miles from home,
Cause my heart needs to be right where You are.
So I don’t want to go. No, no.
Oh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Without Your touch,
Without Your love
Filling me like an ocean.
Your grace is enough,
I don’t want to go.

I don’t want to go somewhere,
If I know that You’re not there.
I don’t want to be there without You.
Without your touch,
(I don’t want to go somewhere,)
Without you love
(If I know that You’re not there.
I don’t want to be there without You.)
I don’t want to go. No, no.
(I don’t want to go somewhere,
If I know that You’re not there.
I don’t want to be there without You.)
If You’re not there.
Filling me, loving me.
I don’t want to go.
Don’t want to go.
(Don’t want to go, don’t want to go there without you.)
There without you.
(Don’t want to go)
Don’t want to be
(Don’t want to go, don’t want to go)
There without you.
(There without you.)

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