Hello, I’m a monster

One band I’m sentimentally attached to is Jars of Clay. Their song, Worlds Apart, was a personal anthem for many years, aptly describing how torn I was between what I was and what I thought God wanted me to be. But I’m less enamored of it now as I see some of the song’s lyrics exemplifying what I call the ‘Christian Guilt Complex’.

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

It irks me when I see the CGC-inflicted constantly self-flagellating themselves. To paraphrase Brutha in Pratchett’s Small Gods – you die for your family or your country, but for a God, you live a long, full, life. If you think you deserve judgement and punishment, you’ll find it in the afterlife. It’s called Hell.

So I have a new favourite song from Jars of Clay. The band’s sound changed quite a bit when their vocalist, Dan Haseltine, confessed to his bandmates that his life really was ‘worlds apart’ from the lyrics they were singing. In an interview, he related finally opening up to his bandmates and attempting to let them in, where once he put up his walls.

"OK, let me help you dissect this monster that I am, because it matters
to me that you know who I really am, not the guy that I’ve been
presenting to you."

He also said things that reverbated with me about my own personal and work relationships:
"We don’t really know each other. We’re
not really helping each other live out the bigger struggles. We all
have this stuff we’re dealing with, and it doesn’t even seem safe to
talk to each other about it."

So here and now, I’m going to attempt to stop hiding behind my walls. But I think I’ve learned some about the difference between being open and hurting the ones I love by disclosing things that should remain in the domain of quiet places.

Here and now, I admit I am a broken, imperfect individual. I am quick to anger, prone to tears and easily affronted. I wear my heart on my sleeve and sometimes, though I present a cold, stoic face to the world, I’m scared. And yeah, it’s OK to cry myself to sleep sometimes about things that really won’t be all that bad when I look back on them lately. Because maybe, maybe even angels cry.

"Even Angels Cry"

I whisper,"You don’t have to worry, we’ll survive"
Forced smiles underneath the brittle, frozen light
No proof that you’re alive
Cold fingers find the curve below your tired eyes
No comfort in familiar places, not this time
You hold it deep inside

Oh sister, if you wake up in the night
Walls are falling, letting in the light
No need to worry
Baby, even angels cry

No flood warnings, still the waters rise
Flowers through asphalt, Diamonds in the pockets of your eyes
Turn your face and hide
I saw a woman with ribbons in her hair
Old and lonely, so beautiful I had to stop and stare
The well will not run dry

Oh sister, if you wake up in the night
Walls are falling, letting in the light
No need to worry
Baby, even angels cry

Oh sister, if you wake up in the night
Walls are falling, letting in the light
No need to worry
Baby, even angels cry

Cry Sister, if you wake up in the night
Walls are falling, letting in the light
It’ll be alright
Baby, even angels cry

Baby, please don’t worry
Not tonight

1 Comment


  1. ·

    I love JoC’s first album…Worlds Apart, Boy on a String and Flood were my most-played songs during my secondary school years… šŸ™‚

    Reply

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